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Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
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2:25 pm - Dear you:
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Dear you:
I dont know how you feel and I never did. Your behavior went back and forth from a caring loving attitude to virutally pushing me aside lest it make someone else uncomfortable. Forgive me for expecting more than this from you. You said you did not want a relationship and then you said you would love a relationship with the other. How I am supposed to react to that. The fact that you were emotional and romantic and whatnot right until the end in private but in front of her, it was as if it was a whole other world we were in. It made me feel very very used and it made me regret every physical encounter we had even as it was happening. I do not deserve to feel this way at all. You admitted it was because you were confused and did want wwant to ruin any chance with her but it continued even after you said you did not want her like that anymore. The difference between being used and being friends with benefits is how you act afterward. You went out of your way to minimize. I can understand you not liking PDAs but I should not have to feel as if a gag order has been placed on me. I deserve better than that. You talked at length to me about her and how you wanted and and were confused between me and her and the other, you never talked to her about me. That only leads to two conclusions, that you are trying to minimize the feelings you had for me or that you had none. Either way, it still made me feel used and less than.
You never retracted those things you said, never erased them, in my mind if you do not retract or erase, you still think those things and that is not fair to me when you say sorry but you seem to not mean it when you do not erase those horrible things. Everytime I looked at your profile, I had to see them and be reminded that you thought that and perhaps still think that. Not fair. It hurt when you said them, it hurt worse when you did not retract them and it hurts every time I think about the fact that they are still there plain as day for all to see. I cried over them every time I saw them and still do.
You still have never told me what you wanted from me. Never told me that you actually cared for me. Never told me that you were interested in me, All I ever got was " I dont want a relationship" which I believed and was fine with. You never said anything different so I went on the assumption that that is what you meant all along so I hid my feelings away and being unable to express them, got mad instead.
Its one thing to say you are sorry, its another to actually do something about your behavior. I have not seen very much of that from you. You said sorry for ignoring me but slipped back into your pattern again, after I had made allowances for you. I tried, you did not. You could have at least said, hey, you, what do you think of this.. or something like that, but no concious thought or effort seemingly went into me, I was just there. Not fair.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, June 15th, 2009
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2:07 pm - On being a parent
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12:54 pm - On improving ones self
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| Thursday, June 11th, 2009
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7:27 pm - Thank you Kevin Smith
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11:39 am - On the topic of Joy
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11:37 am - Upon having your spirit broken
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11:36 am - On the definition of love
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11:30 am - of peace and special places
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calm